No Contact

by Jo
(Scotland)

The first few days after leaving are crucial.

You are at your strongest but your utmost weakest.

To enable me to keep to the no contact rule, I gave my mum my phone and computer. She received all the pitying messages and emails that then turned into threats but by me not reading them he couldn't get into my head.

So important.

Comments for No Contact

Average Rating

Click here to add your own comments

Jan 16, 2015
Rating

I Turned Into His Nobody
by: Anonymous

DEC 6th 2014, . . . And Dec 15th 2014, . . . And Numerous Past Dates and Now Another "New Year" to Hate All Over Agsin, . . .

This is one of the many many many emails I have wasted years and hours writing and crying and hurting through as I try and try again to convince myself that I'm someone who deserves respect. I am faking it. I am so hurt and low that I feel like my life is over- no more goals, seen everything, and just beat-down emotionally because of a man who during or after or even before conversing with me about something we as a couple needed to confront and resolve, he would just blow-up, storm-out, and disappear without warning all night or sometimes for two nights, or sometimes for a week or a month, and with no word about where he had been when he finally would return. I have let this scenario play on and on and one day this last summer I was confronted with concerete evidence that he was cheating. He would becomee really angry at me making something little into a huge problem and of-course it would be all my fault as always, but rather he was acting the whole time. By creating arguments and chaos whenever he had plans elsewhere, he was simmply getting to also disappear into the bed(s) of others or another. When the rendevouz was over, he would re-appear at our shared abode and suddenly wish to apologize and profess his love for me and promise to try harder. The "trying" on his part would last on average for about 1 hour or less and then it was "asshole as usual" treatment toward me. I got yelled at and accused of lying or cheaating on him everyday and everyhour. My home was a war-zone and i began to like going to work more than coming home. He disappeared/abandoned me 45 times and I spent those times awake, axious, sad, angry, lonely, frustrated, and everything of pain and tears. i allowed him back into my home 45 more times out of desparation for a dream of love, a special life-someone, . . . I cry about how my emotions and personality changed. I used to be so happy. I let my friends go and family I barely see now. I am a fool and I should'nt have let him just use my home as his hotel. i shouldnt have allowed him to call me a stupid bitch when I inquired about his employment prospects, he lived off me for 3 years and if I cave in now it will be four. He proposed to me during our first year but I think it was fake now. I feel betrayed and worm-like. I gave everything to him yet I am a failure because we got nowhere.

Here is the note I wrote and re-read when I need strength to believe in my decision to cut him from my life.

"i wish we could figure out a way to never be mean and hurtful to eachother ever again, but i can't think of anything and it's just sad. and, just when it seems like i am getting-over the past hurts and wrongs and all-night- disappearances, here it is again. recently you have been down-talking to me, calling me names, telling me you hate me, making me feel stupid for wanting a nice home, and accusing me of ratchet shit like cheating when all i do is work and drive home to you! i dont know what i did to deserve all that, but it must be bad. i am sorry for being bad to you. i have been getting angrier and angrier because for almost this entire year 2014, i have begun seeing myself as the only one who cares about getting things right and moving things forward with our home, our relationship,and our future plans.
i dont think you understand how depressing and hurtful it is to feel like and become the only one who desires progress. and yes, in my frustration i am lashing-out. and now you're not only randomly disappearing for the whole night again, but in addition you’re lashing-out at me with hurtful abusive words and physical lunges that scream disrespect and hold the threats of harm being brought on me. All I feel is fear, anger, and sorrow and that is a recipe for violence and we cannot continue like this anymore.
i asked for us to seek a counselor and we agreed and then it went nowhere. im out of ideas and very tired of being the one to come up with solutions for a positive change. its very tiring. i am still open to possible solutions to mend us if you have any.
or maybe our relationship and home-life hasn’t been that important to you for a long long time. maybe i'm not aware about that. Maybe I haven’t been that important to you for a long long time either. maybe you are ok losing me. maybe your ALL NIGHT disappearances are meaningful to you because you use them to be with someone else. Or maybe you prefer to be that single guy partying it up with all the bros and all the hos. I know now after only under 2 weeks of your last disappearance that I must not be who you want to spend your life with. It hurts my soul to feel like I was used and manipulated by your lies of a future, family, and life. I am facing it. It hurts but I am in the hurt now.
So, no need to lie about where you are or why you left all night and all night again. There is no decent reason left for any decent person like me. The specific disregard for me and any healing or understanding or love is gone the moment you leave and keep on for your all nighters. i doubt there is ever a thought or care about me or what i go through each time you conveniently leave.
i already let you know how it hurts me and how i stay home crying and anxious and on-edge and sleepless with thoughts about what you're doing while im suffering. you know that and you promised never to put me through it again. and now, what makes it even more horrific is that you know that i also now know the truth of your cheating-ways during your all-night disappearances of our recent past! I cannot understand how you could continue to do that.
i cannot understand what kind of person you may really be. I could never use an argument that i was also to blame for as an opportunity to party and be single for the night or nights. and i could NEVER not give a damn about you for more than an hour let alone the EIGHT HOURS OF EACH ENTIRE NIGHT of the MANY MANY NIGHTS you left me for. we also already talked about that and we agreed that if the person needs to leave to cool down then it is not for more than a few hours at the most!
But on December 3rd you were already getting your party on when i finally arrived home. and after a long workday, long rainy traffic slow drive, and then remembering pets that needed food, i come home to accusations that i was cheating?! something about roland? questioning about the time i left work? and then when i asked what you were doing you lash-out and then without warning simply take-off? and gone all fucking night??? that's not love. that's the absence of love. how did i deserve to be on the receiving end of that??? why did you do that??
And now again?! I took you back and we made amends and you promised me the world on my b-day weekend and then you do wrong on Sunday and I lash back and then on Monday Dec. 15 you are just gone without warning??! Fuck you too. I hate the way you fooled me into believing you and I guess you got me- you won by making me believe and then without warning abandoning me. Thanks for nothing but heartache sorrow embarrassment and for slowing me down on yet another critical week of my work- the ending of a great semester that now I have to fake being happy at.

Sep 23, 2014
Rating

keep being brave
by: Anonymous

I wanted to respond after reading your comments. Its been 7 weeks since i asked my partner to leave. We've been together for on and off 6 years...i'd always breakdown and ask him to come back. I was so low and could no longer face the constant accusations that i was cheating with every random male and even my female friends, going through all of my things looking for evidence- including checking my pants, going through my mobile and laptop. There was some violence including throttling and pinning me against walls by my throat. To be honest though it was the mental abuse that i struggled with the most. I haven't been able to really talk to my friends and family. I lost touch with so many and felt so isolated. Im a professional female and i guess i always felt that i should have known better than to put up with this type of behaviour....however whilst i'm out of it now and i should be celebrating - i cant work out why i'm not. we have been having contact and its served only his own needs- he continues to accuse and be abusive.
I have stopped the contact now and i'm hoping that i will start feeling better. Its made me realise that the separating is only half battle and i've still got a long way to go. But am determined to do it!!!
Thanks for reading xx

Sep 15, 2014
Rating

Thanks, hope ok to comment
by: Anonymous

Thanks Jo, that's what I'm trying now. He bought me a phone on contract and would then swing between obsessing and sulking when I didn't manage to answer calls or keep to his texting schedule- this is when he wanted or needed something from me- to telling me I was stalking him and jealous when I did just the same contact but he was busy chasing elsewhere. Got cheated on twice, abused, lost my job by resigning- I worked the same job as him, hard to do no contact because of this so begged for a transfer. He told staff I was mentally ill and couldn't handle him going back to his ex. His ex left the job before me- I was drafted in to cover for her and got groomed, knew nothing. He courted her back while neither of us knew the other existed. When I found out, he got her to blame and abuse me. Its dragged on, he's alcoholic and a narcissist and blames and bullies and tells people in mad. Have lived in shame, begging him to be fair and kind. He drags me back when he has lost his money gambling. I have been "mad" no self respect and so terrified and alone. Told the police 2 yrs ago and he charmed them too and then really ripped into me for ruining his image which is spotless. No contact and my own phone, blocked now! Except to my mum and professionals. Hope you got through and are happy, please stay strong, sorry for spilling my guts.

Click here to add your own comments

Join in and write your own page! It's easy to do. How? Simply click here to return to Tips on Surviving after Leaving.

Return to Hidden Hurt Home

Life after getting out of an abusive relationship often continues to be a struggle, and It's My Life Now offers guidance to overcoming common pitfalls, blending worksheets with insights on self exploration and ongoing growth. From handling feels of loss and guilt to overcoming feelings associated with having loved an abuser, this book continues to offer invaluable lessons and be a real source of help and strength:

To order in the US: It's My Life Now: Starting Over After an Abusive Relationship or Domestic Violence, 2nd Edition

To order in the UK: It's My Life Now

Healing from Abuse - coming soon

Personal DV Stories

Personal DV Stories 2