Hidden Hurt - Domestic Abuse Information, based in the UK

No matter who you are, you are likely to have some experience of Domestic Abuse at some stage in your life.

For a general overview of domestic violence, click here.

You may be in an abusive relationship, wondering whether it is, or simply confused by mixed emotions regarding your partner; you may have escaped and are trying to make sense of what happened; you may know someone who is being abused and want to understand what they are going through; or you may be worried that you are abusive towards the person you love.

Please note that I am not a counsellor, or hold any qualifications apart from having been there and survived myself. The information is neither comprehensive, nor infallible!

The following pages are designed to help understand the dynamics of an abusive relationships, the different types of abuse, it's effect on both direct victims (ie person being abused) and indirect victims (ie children living in a house where abuse occurs), specific issues facing the Christian abuse victim, and helpful links and telephone numbers inside the UK, together with other resources. One of the most visited parts of Hidden Hurt are the Personal Stories.

Being Politically Correct

Victorian woman being hit Throughout most of this site I have referred to the victim of abuse as female, the abuser as male. This is to simplify the grammar (ie avoiding 'she/he', since we don't have a common word for both) and make the information more readable, though I realise that there are many men who are either current victims of domestic abuse or have survived and escaped an abusive relationship.

There is also a page specifically for male victims of domestic violence and survivors of abuse, together with further links, in Hidden Hurt, and the vast majority of articles try to consider the experience of abuse from both a male and a female perspective.

Keep Up-to-date with Hidden Hurt!

If you would like to be informed when the contents of Hidden Hurt are updated, please join our Newsletter for occasional updates!

Included you will find all the newest articles and personal stories which have been added to Hidden Hurt, together with various research contributions, upcoming events relevant to domestic violence and book recommendations.

And don't worry, we do NOT sell your email address to anyone. It is used solely for sending you the Hidden Hurt Update - and you can unsubscribe at any time.

Are you in an abusive relationship?

Do you:

... sometimes feel afraid of your partner?
... feel as though the boundaries keep shifting?
... feel as though you can never do the right thing?
... often feel guilty for something you have not done?
... feel as though you are walking on eggshells?s
... often change your social engangements because of your partner?
... wish he/she would change and be nicer to you?
... spend more time thinking of what your partner wants than what you do?

Does your partner:

... get jealous easily, even without reason?
... nag or belittle you frequently?
... always want to know where you have been and what you have been doing?
... threaten to hurt himself or the children if you don't comply?
... sometimes just seem to totally ignore you for hours or days?
... insist on having sex even if you don't really want to?
... embarass you in front of friends or family?
... belittle your accomplishments or trash your ideas?

If you can answer yes to most of those, then chances are, you are in an abusive relationship. Read more about the Warning Signs of an Abusive Personality and also have a look at the Characteristics of domestic abuse victims.

Get involved in Hidden Hurt and helping Surivors!

There are many things you can do to help Hidden Hurt and thereby help other victims and survivors of domestic abuse:

If you are an abuse Survivor: send in your personal story, poems and sketches or pictures to help current victims not feel quite so isolated and alone.

Spare some of your time and visit our Message forum to read and answer some of the messages. The Forum is a lifeline for many people trying to make sense of their relationship and feelings.

If you are a professional working in the DV field: Share some of your experience and knowledge with us.

We are always looking for knowledable articles on all aspect of domestic abuse as well as the practical aspect of leaving an abusive relationship and learning to live again.

Do you work in a Shelter?

Write and tell us what it is like and what help and support we can expect to find there.

What about Outreach Services?

What do they offer the current victim or the survivor trying to rebuild their lives?

No matter what your professional involvement, you are bound to have some knowledge which could help people struggling with domestic violence issues.

Help Support Hidden Hurt

Hidden Hurt is financially supported solely by individual contributions from private persons and the small affiliate payments from book sales. If you feel Hidden Hurt is a useful resource and should and would like to help keep Hidden Hurt going, then please feel free to donate as much or as little as you like.

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Types of Abuse gives definitions of different forms of abuse, from physical violence (battery) through to Financial Abuse, together with examples of each kind. It also covers aspects such as threats, marital rape and isolation. A good starting point for anyone either seeking general information on abuse or victims confused about what is happening to them and needing to know whether their experiences really are abuse.

The Victim covers some of the main myths and facts surrounding abuse, looks at why we stay in abusive relationships, offers advice for those trying to understand and support abuse victims, gives an insight into some of the characteristics abused people tend to display and offers suggestions both on leaving safely and how to get through the day once one has left.

The Abuser looks at how an abusive relationship works (the dynamics of abuse) and offers a pictoral idea of how central the concepts of power and control in abuse. The characteristics or warning signs of an abusive personality are also to be found in this section. Also included is a page on where to get help if you think you may be abusive towards your partner.

Children and DV takes a brief look at the effects on children living in a home where abuse takes place. Hidden Hurt does NOT deal with child abuse which is specifically directed towards children (there are loads of sites which deal with this very serious topic very well already), but simply their perception of and involvement in Domestic Violence where the abuse is directed mainly at their main caregiver. Further information includes Contact related issues (UK) and Family Court Guidelines, further reading and links.

Articles. This section is for all those articles which don't really fit into any of the other sections or could be in several of them! Topics range from Emotional Boundaries in relationships, through Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder and dissociation, to the difference in being a Victim or a Survivor and Marital Rape.

AGENCY AND SUPPORT SERVICES QUESTIONNAIRE

Four agencies have commissioned A Two Part National Consultation on Stalking to seek views of Statutory Agencies & support services about current service provision, to raise public awareness and understanding of Stalking.

There are two questionnaires:

1. Agency and Support Services questionnaire which is being sent out direct via email. Any organisation can request to receive a copy of this via our website www.scaredofsomeone.org or by email: stalkinguk@yahoo.com

2. Public questionnaire which can be completed online on our website www.scaredofsomeone.org

We would like to ask just two things of you:

1. That you would send this questionnaire to all your staff and ask them to complete it and return it to us at email: stalkinguk@yahoo.com

2. That you would ask all your service users to visit www.scaredofsomeone.org and complete as many questions on the public questionnaire as they feel able to or relevant.

Statutory Agency and Support Services Questions:

Not all questions will be relevant to all agencies. Please choose the ones that are relevant to your agency or service. We understand how busy you are and have made the 17 questions as quick and easy to complete as we can. If your answer is YES, just delete the NO, and vice versa.

If you find the scope for answers limited by the questionnaire – PLEASE write down your ideas and send them to us by email to: stalkingUK@yahoo.com

Healing from Abuse - coming soon

Personal DV Stories

Personal DV Stories 2

Personal DV Poems

Domestic Violence Prose - coming soon

UK Online Bookstore

US Online Bookstore

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Click on the donate botton below to support Hidden Hurt. Thanks you.

UK National Domestic Violence Freephone number 0808 2000 247

Personal Stories is the most personal part of Hidden Hurt. This is the place for survivors to share their experiences and feelings, poetry and anything else which related to either living with abuse or the journey of healing and recovery. Please take care while browsing this part of Hidden Hurt, as some of the stories can be triggering.

The Message Forum is a lively and supportive message board for victims, survivors, both male and female, and those wanting to know how to help friends or family being abused. The Forum is a US/UK joint effort, moderated by survivors.

You DO NOT need to give any personal details to participate, and you are very welcome simply to browse and read the messages.

Religion and Abuse tries to deal with some of the issues facing Christian victims and survivors of abuse and includes articles on Biblical Equality, forgiveness, guidelines for Pastors and Rabbis, and also looks at what the Bible has to say on the issues of violence and abuse. If you can offer a spiritual or religious perspective from a different faith, please contact us!

Resources. This is the section to visit if you are looking for books to read, need to know whether there is someone you can call to speak to about your situation or options, if you would like to follow a link to more DV related sites or gain a better understanding of a particular aspect of abuse.

Research is your opportunity to help me to improve Hidden Hurt! Fill in the Questionnaire or send me your thoughts on on some of the issues. Hidden Hurt is here for YOU, let me know what you would like to read about, what would further help!

PLEASE NOTE
Due to technical reasons, the questionaires are currently NOT working. We will try to rectify this as soon as possible!

The long-awaited book from our very own Steve from the Hidden Hurt Message Forum as finally arrived!

THE JERK RADAR

Have you ever gone out with someone who seemed perfect at first, but ended up being a nightmare? Do you find yourself falling in love but ending up feeling disrespected and used? Would you like to make sure that something like that never happens to you (or someone you care about) again? If so, this book is written for you. There are lots of books about how to tell if you're in an abusive relationship. This is book will keep you from getting into one in the first place. Jerk Radar will help you see how a Jerk takes advantage of common cultural expectations and romantic myths to blind you to his true intentions. It will give you concrete ways to test out his intentions in the course of a normal conversation. And the Jerk Radar Quiz provides an effective tool to screen every partner for Jerky tendencies well before obviously selfish behavior emerges. Full of true stories from abuse survivors, Jerk Radar pulls no punches in exposing what Jerks do and why we fall for it. This is a useful, down-to-earth, practical guide to avoiding a bad relationship instead of recovering from one. Read it today - it just may change your life!

To order in the US: Jerk Radar: How to Stop an Abusive Relationship Before It Starts

To order in the UK:Jerk Radar: How to Stop an Abusive Relationship Before It Starts

Steve McCrea, MS, has worked for over 20 years with survivors of domestic abuse and their children. He has participated in many local collaboartive projects on domestic abuse, and has provided community trainings on working effectively with domestic abuse survivors. He currently works as an advocate for children in the foster care system. He has volunteered for the past 9 years as facilitator for an on-line abuse survivor community, whose members contributed most of the stories in the book.

NEW!

You can now also download some of the poems submitted to Hidden Hurt to your Kindle! Read the thoughts and feelings of other victims and survivors and give your little bit to help support Hidden Hurt.

In The UK: Hidden Hurt Survivor Poetry I (Hidden Hurt Series)

In the US: Hidden Hurt Survivor Poetry I (Hidden Hurt Series)