Emotional Abuse

Many forms of abuse are obviously cruel. Emotional abuse is more subtle. Quite often such abuse goes unseen, as even the victim does not recognize that she is being abused. Although emotional abuse does not leave black eyes or visible bruises, it is often more seriously damaging to your self-esteem.

Emotional abuse is cruel and scars your soul. Physical or sexual abuse is always accompanied and often follows emotional abuse, i.e. emotional battering is used to wear the victim down - often over a long period of time - to undermine her self-concept until she is willing to take responsibility for her abuser's actions and behaviour towards her or simply accept it.

There are many categories of emotional/psychological abuse. They encompass a variety of behaviors that will be easily recognisable by those experiencing them, and often remain completely unnoticed by others. They include isolation, crazy-making, verbal abuse, belittleling and other humiliating or degrading behaviours.

Maybe the easiest way to spot emotional abuse is less by the behaviour, and more by the effect. Emotional and psychological abuse has much the same intention as physical abuse and threats: to control and dominate. If you feel as though you, your feelings, your needs, your opinions are being devalued, are given no importance or credence, then chances are you are experiencing emotional abuse. Sadie expresses this lack of appreciation for her needs very well:

"Our family life revolved around what Pat wanted, how he wanted it and when he wanted it. Our three kids’ needs and wants came next, and I came last. Dead last. My needs basically never got addressed because I wasn’t important, and since I wasn’t important, they weren’t important." (Sadie's Story)

The ultimate result of emotional and psychological abuse is that the victim ends up believing that she is going crazy, that her own needs and opinions are of no value. It is a subtle form of control and domination which leaves no visible marks, but has a profound effect on the emotional and mental wellbeing of the victim.

""I want us to be happy." Those are Lauren’s own words. For there to be an ‘us’, we both need a voice. I needed to matter too. "What’s that supposed to mean?" or "You’re telling me...." I felt like I was being analyzed, interpreted, manipulated, lead to a witness stand confession and forced into another apology for something I didn’t really say or do. I heaped anger on me for feeling beaten down and damned to silence by the very person I wanted to spend a life with."(Donald's Story)

Part of the problem of mental abuse is that it is so often not recognised: neither by outsiders, not by the victim. It gradually erodes the individual over months or even years. If and when you do realize that you are being mistreated and try to stand your ground, chances are that the abuse will escalate. Many people have found to their detriment that once the emotional abuse is no longer effective, physical violence follows. Again Sadie expresses this very clearly in her story, when after 20 years of being in an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship she makes a conscious decision not to tolerate it:

"I began fighting back. Instead of backing down right away and jumping to do his commands, I began standing my ground and arguing back if I felt that he was being unreasonable, but that just made him even angrier and nastier and more intimidating and threatening to the point where I was afraid that I was going to get hit." (Sadie's Story)

More often than not it is the emotionally abusive behaviour which leads to so many of the characteristics which abuse victims share - the lack of self-worth, self-esteem and self-confidence, the depression and anxiety, the feelings of guilt and of 'not being good enough'. Many victims find that it is less painful to build an emotional wall around themselves, leaving the impression that they don't care or have tough skins. This can only work for so long - sooner or later the subdued feelings and emotions demand to be addressed, if not consciously, then in ill health.

The Freedom Programme© in the UK is particularly good at showing up all the myriads of ways in which emotional abuse is used within abusive relationship, also explaining which belief systems drive such behaviour and why we fall for it and don't recognise it as abuse. To find out more, check out the Freedom Programme.

Isolation within an Abusive Relationship

The abuser will control whom the victim sees, where she goes, whom she speaks to and what she does. This can take the form of simply not allowing her to use the phone, have her friends round or visit her family, or ensuring it simply isn't worth it by being in a bad mood because she left some housework undone, making her feel guilty that she was out enjoying herself while he worked, or even encouraging her - theoretically - to make friends, and then discounting them or complaining that she cares more for her friends/family/hobby than she does him or is neglecting him. Some abusers may move home frequently to prevent their victim from building a social support network.

Many abusers justify their control over their victim by stating that it is proof of their love, or that they worry about their safety when out, etc. In reality however, the abuser needs to isolate their victim to feel secure themselves, they feel as though any relationship, be it family, friend or colleague, will undermine their authority over and take their partner away from them, i.e. poses a threat. The effect of this isolation is that the victim feels very alone in his/her struggle, doesn't have anyone with whom to do a 'reality check', and is ultimately more dependant on the abuser for all social needs.

Forms of Isolation can include:

• checking up on you
• accusing you of unfaithfulness
• moving to an isolated area
• ensuring you lack transport or a telephone
• making your friends or family feel uncomfortable when visiting so that they cease
• punishing you for being 10 minutes late home from work by complaining, bad moods, criticism or physical abuse
• not allowing you to leave the house on your own or taking away your passport
• demanding a report on your actions and conversations
• preventing you from working
• not allowing any activity which excludes him
• finding fault with your friends/family
• insisting on taking you to and collecting you from work

In extreme cases the victim may be reduced to episodes of literally becoming a prisoner, being locked in a room and denied basic necessities, such as warmth, food, toilet or washing facilities. Other family members or the perpetrators friends can also be used to 'keep an eye on' the victim, acting effectively as prison guards.

Verbal Abuse

When thinking of Verbal Abuse we tend to envisage the abuser hurling insulting names at the victim, and while this obviously does happen, there are many more forms than name-calling.

The abuser may use critical, insulting or humiliating remarks (e.g. you've got a mind like muck; you're stupid; etc.), he may withhold conversation and refuse to discuss issues, or she may keep you up all night insisting on talking when you need sleep. Verbal abuse undermines your sense of worth, your self-concept (i.e. who you think you are) by discounting your ideals, opinions or beliefs.

Verbal abuse can include:

• yelling or shouting at you
• making threats
• insulting you or your family
• being sarcastic or mocking about or criticising your interests, opinions or beliefs
• humiliating you either in private or in company
• sneering, growling, name-calling
• withholding approval, appreciation, or conversation
• refusing to discuss issues which are important to you
• laughing or making fun of you inappropriately
• leaving nasty messages
• accusing you of unfaithfulness, not trying hard enough or purposely doing something to annoy
• blaming you for his failures or other forms of abuse

All of these abusive behaviors prohibit normal, healthy interaction between two adults as well as a lack of respect for individual thoughts, feelings, and opinions. A healthy, mutual interaction and conversation between two persons respects and promotes the right of each partner to their own individual thoughts, perceptions and values.

See Verbal Abuse for more information.

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