Domestic Violence Myths and Facts

---

Domestic violence myths abound. Nearly everyone we bump into will have some form of preconception on what domestic violence actually is, why abusers abuse and why victims are victimised.

In the same way as we tend to have a stereotypical picture of what domestic abuse is, we have similar pictures of what sort of person both the abused and the abuser are. We may assume the abused will have originated from a family where abuse took place, may have been abused themselves during childhood, may be poor, unkempt or uneducated. Some people believe the victim actually enjoys being abused in some masochistic way (!?!), or is encouraging it because they enjoy the attention of feeling victimised.

However, our perceptions tend to be biased by domestic violence myths, perpetuated both by the media and by society in general, and are unrelated to the reality or the extent of Domestic Abuse. ANYBODY can become a victim of Domestic Abuse .

Following are some of the domestic violence myths and facts:

FACT

Abuse pervades every ethnic, social strata. White collar workers are just as likely to abuse their wives as are blue-collar workers; financially independent people are just as likely to suffer abuse as are people on low incomes. It is not the social standing, the amount of stress lived under or the company kept which makes an abuser, but the internal need for power, the belief that they have the right to control someone else.

FACT

Abusing, battering, assaulting or raping another person is a criminal offence. Domestic Abuse has far-reaching social implications for everyone, affecting the abused person’s ability to lead a productive life and encouraging children brought up in an abusive home to repeat the cycle themselves and having a detremental impact on their emotional and sometimes physical well-being. A lot of doctors and hospital time and funds are needed to help those who have been victimised or beaten.

FACT

Domestic Abuse is a HUGE problem. It is estimated that 1 in 4 women live in abusive relationships, and within our lifetime half of us can expect to be the victim of domestic or intimate violence. Abuse can be lethal. More women are killed by their partner or ex-partner than by a stranger (current UK statistics suggest one woman is murdered by her partner or expartner every 3 days). And even where physical violence has not occurred, the emotional scars can often have a lifelong effect on the victim.

FACT

NOBODY deserves to be beaten or abused. Women often have to walk on eggshells and try their best to avoid another incident. The abuser WANTS to abuse. This domestic violence myth encourages the blame-shifting from the abuser to the abused and avoids the stark reality that only the abuser is responsible for his/her own actions.

FACT

A lot of research is going into the link between drug or alcohol use and violence. However, although some abusers are more prone to being violent when drunk, many more abuse when completely sober. Alcohol and drugs may increase the violence, but they do not cause it. Alcohol and drug abuse are separate issues from abuse, though they may overlap. Once again, blaming chemical dependency for abuse is missing the point, the abuser is responsible for his actions. (see What about alcohol and domestic abuse?)

FACT

Very rarely is abuse a one-off. Most often it is part of an ongoing means of establishing and maintaining control over another person. Abuse tends to increase both in velocity and extent over a period of time. (see The Cycle of Abuse)

FACT

There are many emotional, social, spiritual and financial hurdles to overcome before someone being abused can leave. Very often the constant undermining of the victims self-belief and self-esteem can leave him/her with very little confidence, socially isolated, and without the normal decision-making abilities. Leaving or trying to leave will also often increase the violence or abuse, and can put both the victim and her children in a position of fearing for their lives. Leaving is the ultimate threat to the abusers power and control, and he will often do anything rather than let her go. (see Why we Stay)

FACT

Abusers are often apparently charming, generous and well-presented people who can hold positions of social standing. Abuse is kept for those nearest to him or her, to the privacy of their own homes. This Jekyll and Hyde tendency of the abuser can further confuse and frighten the person being abused, as the person in private is so very different to the person everyone else sees. It can also mean that when the person being abused finally does try to tell his/her friends, family or acquaintances of the abuse, he or she is not believed, because the person they are describing simply doesn’t fit the image portrayed in public. (See The Abuser for more information)

FACT

Sexual orientation doesn’t make any difference. Abuse is about control within a relationship and can occur within any relationship where one partner believes they have the right to control the other. Whether they are married or living apart, of the same or opposite gender, have been together for a few weeks or many years really doesn’t make much difference – abuse can and does occur.

FACT

Most abusers have no problem resolving disputes with their boss or other outside person without resorting to violence. They chose to use violence and other forms of abuse against their partner as a means of maintaining their power over them.

 

---

---

Return from Domestic Violence Myths to the Abuse Victim

---