Coercive Sexual Abuse

Rather than using physical force, the abuser will frequently use coercive sexual abuse.

He will use guilt, pity, anger, moods, nagging or accusations to 'persuade' us. He does not see this as sexual abuse, but it is. Any sexual act that has been coerced is abusive.

He will want sex after an argument to 'prove' that we have forgiven him and are willing to 'make up'. Or after we have agreed to give the relationship another go to 'prove' that we still love him. He will coerce us by making us feel guilty about not wanting intercourse or by saying that if we really loved him, we would show him this by agreeing to the sexual act. He will make us feel sorry for him by becoming upset or telling us his previous partner kept withholding sex and it brings back bad memories for him. He will say that women always use sex against men, he thought we were different from other women so we agree to prove that we are different and so that he is not disappointed in us.

He will nag us for sex, or get in a foul mood or angry and generally be unpleasant and disruptive until we concede. He will just go on and on and not allow us to get any rest or sleep until we have agreed to intercourse. Or he will accuse us of cheating on him and that being our real reason for not wanting sex with him. We can't just have headache or be genuinely tired!

Coercive sexual abuse does not give up so easily, it just changes track a little until it finally works - usually by running the victim out of 'polite' ways or even reasonable ways of simply getting rid of him.

These are all examples of using coercion to persuade us to comply with his sexual demands despite our really not wanting to. He simply does not accept that we have the right to refuse him.

He will use coercive sexual abuse to have intercourse when we are tired or ill. Or he will start to have sex with us when we are asleep, purposely get us drunk or spike our drinks with drugs so that we are not fully aware of what is happening. He will pressure us for sex far too soon after we have given birth, had an abortion or some other form of surgery; before we have even have a chance to heal physically.

The coercion need not be subtle though.

Some of us have been beaten up for refusing to have sex. Where this has happened we simply don't dare to say no because we know the consequences. Our partner does not even need to threaten violence - we have learned from experience.

We should not allow ourselves to be conned into believing that coercive sexual abuse is not 'real' abuse, simply because force or violence is not used during the sex act itself. Using emotional, psychological or verbal abuse to gain sexual favours are all forms of coercive sexual abuse.

Coercive Sexual Abuse after Assault

Some men will physically assault or beat us up, then suddenly turn very loving and turned on and want to have sex with us. In part this is to prove that we have forgiven him, but largely it is designed to confuse us. One moment he is cruel, nasty and violent, inflicting pain on us and terrifying us, the next he is loving and attentive. Part of us hopes that the 'nice' partner has returned, that the previous violent one was not really who he is.

The same person causing us pain and then 'making love' to us can also cause a subconscious link between pain and love, so that part of us starts believing we cannot have one without the other.

Other abusers will physically assault or beat us up and then force or demand sex to prove that we have forgiven them or to prove that we love them. This is really a continuation of the physical abuse we have just suffered; there is not even the suggestion that we have any say in the matter, and freedom to say no. It is degrading.

When we are forced or coerced into having sex after an assault or after 'making up' following a beating, this is a double abuse or both our bodies and our spirits.

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